I got Lance in my Pants!

Disregarding the obvious gay undertones and sexual bravado of the phrase “I got Lance in my Pants!” isn’t an easy task. As part of their ongoing marketing effort, Lance, Inc., makers of fine vending-machine crackers and snacks, has decided to go edgy.

I first heard about this catchy and suggestive campaign while driving to work this morning. Adam Carolla, smarmy co-creator of The Man Show and co-host of Loveline, acted as the comedic street interviewer questioning passers-by about their portable food habits. Radio gold, I’m told, if you like insipid banter about “nougat-y spit,” discussion of “creamy cracker” as a rap nickname or crude humor about having (a) “Lance in my Pants”.

Perhaps what I found most disturbing was the titular phrase “I got Lance in my Pants!” as sung by the Lance glee club to faux-dance beats. The whole thing seemed a little too perky and self-referential to be ironic or truly funny and came off as just plain weird. Weirder still was the tagline. Rendered in psuedo-announcer speak it reads as follows:

“Big enough to keep hunger at bay; small enough to keep in your pants”

I’m no comedian, but the punchline “is that a Lance in your pants or are you just happy to see me?” immediately came to mind. Not as crass or original as Lance’s actual creative, but this is the kind of demographic and mindset they’re after. And do you really want a small Lance in your pants? Not me; I’d prefer a large Lance. Honestly, I don’t know if I want to eat any kind of foodstuff as a result of anyone’s “Lance” in their pants, no matter the Lance or the pants.

The whole thing is just disturbing. I’ll think twice about eating Toastchee or Nekot Cookies ever again.

Visit their radio page and listen for yourself
. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a bad taste in my mouth and it’s Lance.

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