Rick Moranis: The Agorophobic Cowboy

Late last year I found out that veteran comedic character actor Rick Moranis had made a country album. “Hmm,” I thought, “if it has any kind of skill and even half the yuks of a McKenzie brothers sketch, it’ll be worth checking out.” Turns out I was right.

Flush with iTunes credits to spend, $25 to be exact, I electronically purchased the album, The Agorophobic Cowboy, and have been very pleased. It’s not anything truly earth-shattering or genre-defining, but it is good. I’m more a fan of bluegrass, roots and alt-country (think The Jayhawks, Nickel Creek, Alison Krauss and Union Station) and this album has the kind of two-step, old-timey Johnny Cash feel to it. Moranis even parodies “I’ve Been Everywhere” with his own “I Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere”.

I Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere
(Geoff Mack/Rick Moranis)

I never go nowhere, man
I never go nowhere
Traffic’s bad out there, man.
I’m savin’ wear and tear.
I like conditioned air, man
I never go nowhere

I go
Upstairs, downstairs, backyard, lawn chairs,
Living room, bathroom, bedroom, furnace room,
Hot-tub, cedar deck, build a fire, washer/dryer,
Pantry, patio, Bartiromo video,
Cold cellar, rec room, ping-pong, mah jongg,
Beer count wearin’ thin, speed dial,
Order in.

I ain’t goin’ nowhere, man.
I ain’t goin’ nowhere
It’s dangerous out there, man
Might ‘a been a big bomb scare.
Hard to get off of this easy chair.
I ain’t goin’ nowhere

I go
Online, dsl, amazon, buy and sell,
Ebay, layaway, last bid noon today,
Plasma, Judy Judge, broadband, Matt Drudge,
J.Crew, B&N, dotcom, CNN
JPEG, e.mail, pop-up she-male
Shower cam, filter spam, slam bam.
I think it’s ma’am

I ain’t goin’ nowhere, man
Never gonna go nowhere
It’s a bungled jungle out there, man
Some kid got mauled by a bear
Surround sound in my own lair
I ain’t goin’ nowhere….

I got
Perimeter, motion, doggie door, mail call
Peep hole, Avon, wireless, strobes on.
PIN Code, keypad, relay, pepper spray,
Homebase, interface, three-zone, plug ‘n play.
Infra-red, photocell, squad car, decibel,
Choppers up, sonic boom,
Activate the panic room.

I’m on,
Ritalin, Coumadin, Zantac, Lipitor
Diazepam, Nexium, Prevacid, Percocet
Levitra, Levaquin, Elavil, Fosomax,
Plavix, Keflex, Next day Fedex
Zithromax Avalox, Flexeril, Topomax,
Prozac, Ativan, Aderol,
I take ‘em all.

I ain’t goin’ nowhere, man.
Never gonna go nowhere
I’m cuttin’ my own hair, man
Nothin’ I need out there.
Outside sunny but inside cher
I ain’t goin’ nowhere.

Some of it is goofy and silly, but that’s what I like. He balances out the quirky with some truly sharp, clever lyrics and good instrumental accompaniment that makes for a fun listen.

We’ve been putting it on in the car and really enjoying it, especially Raelyn. I even burned the CD for my dad.

You can check out Rick Moranis’ official site or VH1’s Best Week Ever blog if you prefer snark to substance.

My two cents.

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