The following open letter is a response by Gonzo to the allegations of one M.B. Cluckerton as recently published by The Awl.
First, let me state that I am grateful for the fine folks here at Mostly Muppet Dot Com for the opportunity to rebut the claims of one M.B. Cluckerton – if indeed that is her real name – in this forum.
I should also lay the groundwork that I am speaking only on my own behalf and not at the behest nor with the express approval of Disney Muppet Global. The opinions expressed herein are my own and in no way indicative.
Having said all of that, give me a f@$%ing break!
You’re gonna believe some chicken$^!t chicken over your own two eyes?!
Please. If you wanna listen to that old clucker, I’ve got a lit canon you can inspect. Completely safe, I promise.
I’m not even that upset that M.B., who I knew as Mabel, chose to air what she believes to be the truth. I get being disgruntled, I really do.
I’ve never been the headliner of the old Muppet marquee (or the new one) and you don’t see me running to the press do you? No, you don’t.
Sure, I’m here now, but that’s because she made it personal when she mischaracterized herself as my “539th domestic partner”.
Lies. Utter lies.
As any idiot with felt eyeballs could tell you, I’ve been in a loving, monogamous relationship with Camilla for almost 40 years now.
Have things always been perfect? No.
Do I have a bit of a wandering eye? Who doesn’t.
Am I a poultry bigamist? No G0*&()! way! NO HOW!
Listen, Mabel was bit player who always showed up on time and hit her marks. There’s plenty of other gals, Ms. Piggy to name one, who couldn’t be bothered to rehearse with half as much heart as Mabel gave, but that’s show business.
Mabel didn’t like that sad fact and who can blame her. She’s out now and, hopefully, happier for it.
But to besmirch all our efforts and, especially, my good name well that’s beyond the pale.
And I’m the weirdo who conducted LiebestrÃ¤ume while battling a crab, so I know from talent, hard work and “beyond the pale” and you, madam, Mabel, M.B. – whatever the f@$! your real name is, have crossed the line.
Gonzo, formally known as “The Great Gonzo” or “Gonzo the Great,” is the resident daredevil performance artiste on The Muppet Show.
We here at Mostly Muppet Dot Com would like to sincerely thank Gonzo for his candid thoughts on this matter.
Also, go get a copy of The Muppets on DVD or Blu-Ray. You won’t be sorry. We promise.
For all the folks still reading:
1) Go home
2) This was all just parody. Please, if you’re Disney, don’t sue.